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Steve Murray - Feed
News by National Post
Find the latest news stories from National Post on the topic Steve Murray.
1 2 3 > Last ›
 Extremely Bad Advice: Love At First Flight
Dear Steve: I met a man while on vacation in a Third World
country. We were very much attracted to each other (not just
physically) and he professed his love for me. I fell for this quiet,
romantic, Latin lover and now I am left wondering if such a union
could ever work? We have a few differences, but could love conquer
all? I hate to think I am just his ticket out of a communist
country.
 STEP ONE Can love conquer all? Lady, love can barely conquer my unwashed
dishes. Love is powerful, according to Huey Lewis (and possibly The
News), but it can only do so much. I find love to be good at
tackling individual things, here and there, but it can't be
everywhere at once. It's like, if I had an affair, my ladyfriend's
love for me may be able to overcome my transgression. But, if I had
an affair AND crashed the car AND never cleaned the house AND maybe
kissed her sister at that wedding even though I said I didn't and I
called the sister a whorish liar and you guys never spoke again,
then love may not be able to cover it all. I guess it's like an
insurance policy, where you can make a love claim, but it may make
your love premiums go up. And if you keep making claims, the
premiums will soon be unaffordable and you'll have no loverage.
 STEP TWO Scientifically speaking, you are in a higher danger of falling in
love while away on a holiday. Your sexy genes wish for you to do the
mommy-daddy dance with people outside of your normal environment in
order to make your offspring stronger and well-rounded. Like, if I
combine my natural Toronto traits (polite anger, the ability to buy
things for far more than they're worth) with the traits of a South
Carolina carny worker (strong, filthy forearms), we would create a
creature who could survive most anything. So, your animalistic
pheromones, and those of the people you meet, will quickly become
heightened, drawing you closer together with feelings that could be
mistaken for love. This is why environments where many people travel
thousands of miles to mingle, like Disneyworld and Young Liberals of
Canada conventions, are cesspool-like hotbeds of STDs and broken
promises. So be aware that these feelings may not be genuine. Except
that burning feeling down there. That, sadly, may be genuine.
 STEP THREE If you suspect that your Latino lover may just be using you for a
way into MY country, then test his love. Test it with love's
greatest weapon: deceit. Let your man-friend know that you actually
live in northern Nunavut, and when you send him sexy photos (oh,
come on, there are always sexy photos. We're all adults here, except
for the children reading this), make sure you're wrapped in fur and
fleece, posed in front of a a dark, fake-frosted window. If he still
decides to come, well, here's your chance to explore our
often-referenced, rarely visited north! Get a little home up there
and settle in for a winter/summer-winter with your new man. If he
makes it through that, then he's a keeper and you can take him home
to meet your kids, pets and immigration lawyers.
 STEP FOUR You ask if he thinks you're his ticket out of a communist country
like it's a bad thing. But every relationship is based on things
that the other person wants or needs. Some people marry rich, but
money can disappear; some marry for looks, but looks can fade. The
trick is to make sure you have other tickets that your partner
wants, with longer and farther dates on them. An immigration ticket
will give you a couple of years, which is enough time to generate
many more tickets to keep your love going strong. Is he using you to
escape something? Probably. But you are as well, it's just that what
you're escaping is your situation as a single woman with a fading
tan from a booty-rocking Fantasy Island vacation. Pretty deep stuff,
eh? Yeah, I write an advice column.
Email your concerns to The News. He doesn't even
REMEMBER that wedding, OK?!
|
 Extremely Bad Advice: It Could Be Purse
Dear Steve: Recently I've run into some issues going to various cultural institutions and even some airlines. My satchel has not been allowed with me, either because I am trying to bring two carry-on bags onto the plane, or else because I am not allowed to bring a messenger bag into the cultural institutions I've paid to enter. I have noticed that women who have purses (many much larger than my messenger bag) do not suffer the hassle of checking their bags. Should I just change what I call my bag to "man purse" or even "purse" to no longer be subject to this discrimination? STEP ONE This, sir, is a clear case of gender discrimination! They may as well be telling you that your testicles are "carry-on bags." MAKES ME FURIOUS. I'll admit that being a man does have some advantages, like higher pay, general physical dominance, more positions of power, natural bloodthirst, etc. But it's still no excuse to stop us from having the same rights as women. For example: breastfeeding. I'm regularly being kicked out of institutions for baring my breasts, but I need to do so for medical reasons. My anxiety over not being able to bear children can only be soothed through simulated breastfeedings of my robot son, Chip. Also, I need to wear a mask while doing so, to cover my inevitable crying. Do you think the Royal Ontario Museum understands this? Understands my rights as a man who needs to be anonymously, mechanically soothed? NOPE. STEP TWO The one thing institutions can't argue with is your life and the continuation of it. Take the contents of your medicine cabinet and dump them in your man purse. Add an unwieldy epinephrine autoinjector (for acute allergies) and no one will dare stop you from carrying your stylish, manly emergency bag into their establishment. If people don't understand something, they can't argue against it, which is why I could never stop a woman from entering somewhere with her purse. I don't know anything about women or their bodies! There could be things in that purse that stop them from melting or turning into werewolves, I just have no idea! STEP THREE I say ditch the bag and just make yourself a utility belt! Who's going to ask you to take off your belt (besides a pervert)? Really, a utility belt is just a bunch of extra pockets that hold up your superhero pants. Are places outlawing pockets? Will I be handed a thread and needle at the entrance of an art gallery and told to sew up my pants pockets before entering? How will I retrieve my keys later on then? I'd cut the threads off with my switchblade, but I left it at home in my messenger bag that I'm not allowed to bring places. Ridiculous! STEP FOUR If you want social acceptance of something, you have to get Hollywood on-board. When Bruce Willis lights up a smooth, refreshing cigarette, my asthmatic, impressionable, robot son does the same. When Owen Wilson voices Marmaduke in an upcoming film, I just go ahead and do anything for a dollar (anything). So, you need to get a manly man to use a man-purse as a key component of an action film. I suggest Jason Statham, since he looks like he could be either a thug or a gentleman, depending on how the light hits his fractured, craggy mug. This will start the ball rolling towards public submission. Unfortunately, since a Jason Statham character will only use the bag to carry weapons in, most men will be subjected to bag searches everywhere they go as a result. There's no winning as a man! (Except for most of the time.)Email your concerns to Iron Marmaduke. His body is his own. (Except for most of the time.)
|
 Extremely Bad Advice: Psychiatric Devaluation
Dear Steve: I am the chairman of the department of
psychiatry, and after 10 years of being the boss I will be stepping
down and resigning from this position. My friends and family have
warned me that after being a really important person for so long, I
will experience a great emotional loss. What should I do?
 STEP ONE First of all, I should let you and my readers know that my answer
may be tainted by my Roman-Scientologist upbringing and my inherent
disbelief in psychiatry. I'm pretty sure lying on a couch and
talking about my problems with women (whores and virgins and mommy)
isn't going to eliminate my body thetans, courtesy of Xenu, ruler of
the Galactic Confederacy. So, clearly I can't suggest resuming
psychiatry. You should probably just take this time to stop focusing
on the human brain and start focusing on your backswing. Go out and
enjoy the coming sunshine with a fine cigar on a golf course. Of
course, you being a psychiatrist, I feel compelled to stress that
the cigar is just a cigar and nothing else as I don't want you
getting kicked off the golf course for weird infractions. Also, I am
not judging you.
 STEP TWO "Stepping down" and "resigning" sure doesn't sound like retirement
to me. So I assume you've been caught in a scandal of some sort and
are being forced out. In my imagination, you flew to Vegas one time
too many and blew the department's budget on a series of low
straights/one of a kinds. To reclaim your position, you could try
and defend such actions using "psychiatry." You see, psychiatry is
based on the idea that emotions = money, that is to say, people with
emotional problems are like bingo-winning rubes walking onto your
psychiatric used car lot. So, you just wanted to test the opposite
theory, that the money made from the emotions of others can be used
to create emotion in yourself through the thrill of Texas hold 'em
poker. A solid thesis and a potential article for Psychiatric News,
hopefully erasing the memory of your previous article, "The
Psychological Benefits Of Me Eating Perogies Whenever I Want: A
Study."
 STEP THREE When people say they're worried about you experiencing an emotional
loss, they really mean "loss of power." You've been in charge and
have tasted the sweet fruit of being better than others, and you can
no longer go back to eating lesser, subordinate fruit. I can only
imagine that there's some sort of secret level above the level
you've experienced for so long. Some kind of Skull & Crossbones,
secret society-type thing. If there isn't, create it! It would be so
fun being a part of a clandestine group, determining the fate of
others. You could have psychiatric agendas, introducing new,
self-serving ideas into the community, like "short skirts increase
self-esteem" and "psychiatrists are attractive and fun to be around
at parties."
 STEP FOUR Failing that, your only way to happiness, I'm loathe to say, is by
continuing to practise psychiatry. You have had power over people
with power, like Superman in the Justice League, telling Green Arrow
and Black Canary what to do. But now you are just Green Arrow, and
have to readjust to just having power over lowlifes and thugs
(patients). Frankly, my cat is the only creature in my life that I
have power over and I still manage to have a massive ego, so there's
hope for you as well. Hey, maybe you could become a pet
psychiatrist! I know my cat, Monster Truck, has been quite resentful of my
massive ego and attempts to control his life and would really like
to meow to a professional. I can pay you with sketches of money and
great advice. Think about it.
Email your concerns to Steve Travolta. Would you mind
picking up his dry cleaning as well?
|
 Extremely Bad Advice: Baker's Cousin
I'm living in the city I was born in, which in the past I
have only visited for a few weeks at a time. I live close to my
cousin, who has always been a friend of mine. I started
dating a good friend of hers. At first, she was really happy for us,
but lately she's started distancing herself from me. She shouldn't
be jealous, she's been with a guy for six years, and things seem to
be going well. How do I get my cousin back to normal?
 STEP ONE OK, here's the deal. Imagine your cousin's boyfriend is a cupcake.
It's her favourite cupcake, just delicious, mm-mm good. And when she
eats it, it just grows back so she can keep eating it forever and
ever. The cupcake's ingredients become less fresh over time, sure,
but it's still yummy yum-yums. Now, your cousin also has several
other cupcakes in her vicinity. She wouldn't necessarily eat them,
because if she does her favourite cupcake may get eaten by somebody
else. But she appreciates these other cupcakes and keeps them close
by, so she can deeply inhale them, safely. All of a sudden you're
there, taking sultry bites out of one of her auxiliary cupcakes. It
doesn't matter how much she enjoys her predictable, vanilla cupcake,
she's now seeing another cupcake at its best, in the first moments
of being consumed. This is deeply uncomfortable for her.
 STEP TWO Another thing to consider: How long has it been since you've had a
cupcake? 'Cause I know that, if it's been a while, I can seriously
lose my mind eating that fresh, new cupcake. Eating it in the
streets, eating it at the table in the pub while my friends try not
to look at me. It's honestly just a mess. Cupcake everywhere; all
over my face, crumbs in my lap, etc. Frankly, the first three months
of eating that cupcake is something that shouldn't be done in
public, lest your friends stop talking to you entirely. This may be
turning your cousin's stomach a bit. Of course this isn't a
universal thing, as there are guys like me that will actually pay
top dollar to watch others eat cupcakes. Top. Dollar.
 STEP THREE If you do come to the conclusion that it's jealousy on your
cousin's part, then you should punish her for this selfish behaviour
when it comes to unclaimed cupcakes. Just start eating all the
cupcakes around her, even going so far as to grab her cupcake right
out of her mouth and give it a little lick. Your cupcake rampage
will be legendary, a feat of diabolically diabetic proportions. And
when the dust crumbs have settled, go back to your initial cupcake
and vow to only partake of its moist delights. Your cousin will be
relieved once she realizes that you sinking your teeth into just one
of her surrounding cupcakes isn't that bad after all. From there on
out I'm sure you'll be the best of friends again!
 STEP FOUR If "eating around" isn't your thing, then you have yet another
option waiting just beyond this sentence which is ending now. Feign
sickness when talking about your cupcake to your cousin. She doesn't
need to know how delicious this forbidden cupcake is, but I'm sure
she suspects as much since you probably start drooling and
lip-smacking whenever the cupcake enters a room. Make a concerted
effort to tell her how generally unappetizing your tiny dessert is.
That its cake is stale and dry, and its icing tastes like a sugary,
fungal paste. Don't overdo it or you'll arouse suspicion. Maybe just
drop hints that, while the cupcake tastes weird and hurts you at
night, you happen to like that kind of thing. Your cousin will be
very happy for you and very relieved she never put that cupcake in
her mouth that night when her cupcake was out of town and she got a
little drunk and peckish. Why do I keep using cupcakes as a
metaphor? Is it because I require more baked goods sent to me at
1450 Don Mills Road, Toronto, Ont., M3B 2X7? Possibly.
Email your concerns to Mr. Misplaced Metaphor. Your cake won't
rise if you lace it with arsenic, SO DON'T EVEN TRY.
|
 Extremely Bad Advice: Naked Permission
Dear Steve, I started seeing someone and did what any normal
person would do: Googled her and all her friends. In this process, I
discovered that she had previously been a model for some "highly
artistic" (nude) photographs. The problem is now I feel awkward
around some subjects, like discussions about whether either one of
us has tattoos. Should I let her know that these photos are out
there, and should I order prints first?
 STEP ONE The most obvious thing that needs to happen here is you need to
sleep with this woman. Or, if you do not believe in sex before
marriage, marry her and then sleep with her. Doctor's orders. The
doctor being me, Dr. Steve "Not a Doctor" Murray. Other options
include having a good old-fashioned chaste shower with her (to wash
away your sins), or, you could ask her to model for some "highly
artistic" photos, since there's already a precedent. Once you have
seen the various tattoos and large patches of flesh in real life,
this photo will stop haunting you and your conversations. If you
don't expect her to get naked for you, there's still yet another
option. Before your next date, draw something on your thigh. Then,
bring up the subject of tattoos all casual-like. Once it's revealed
that you both have "ink," you can go first and show off yours,
making it far easier for her to do the same. It'll be like that
scene in Lethal Weapon 1 ...2?...Whatever. The one where Murdoch and
Reese Russo start comparing battle scars and end up holding hands or
something. Like that. But with tattoos.
 STEP TWO In this digital, smutty age, most of us have at least a few
unsavoury images out there. Some are in the hands of exes, some are
on the computer we donated to that school down the street, and some
are sprinkled randomly through the comment sections of
nationalpost.com(it's how I make my points: visually, with authority
and unhinged male sensuality). You should just be grateful that
these shots are artistic. It could be a lot, lot worse. Artistic
shots also usually mean that there's an agreement between model and
photographer, so she has some knowledge and control over the images,
which makes them less embarrassing. I understand this as I am not
only the model of many nude shots, I am also the photographer. Total
control.
 STEP THREE This knowledge and control over these photos also means that she
knows they're available through some sort of Internet search engine,
like Lycos or Magellan or Jumpstation (Google those names). So,
basically she knows that you know, because 75% of search engine
questions revolve around finding out dirt on people you just met and
happen to find passably attractive. And the other 25% are searching
the names of people who have emailed you advice questions to find
out if they're passably attractive enough for continued Lycosing.
So, now you know that she knows you know. This is something to keep
in mind the next time you see her, because you can probably just
blurt out loud, "I'VE SEEN YOUR STUFF ALL YOUR STUFF I'VE SEEN IT"
and she'll be fine with it. After admitting as such, you would be
well-advised to then hand her a photo of yourself in a similar
pose/situation so the playing field is even.
 STEP FOUR If you suspect that she will NOT appreciate your pervy reveal, then
put it in the New Relationship Time Capsule. This is where you place
all the thoughts and incidents that should never be revealed during
the wooing stage, but will seem funny six months from now when
you're more comfortable with each other. What goes in this capsule?
Things like, "Remember on our first date when I accused the waiter
of passing gas? I actually pooped myself!" And, "Remember when I
kicked your dog out of the house into the rainy night because he
pooped on the carpet? That was actually me!" And, "Remember when I
told you that I didn't sleep with your sister?" You get the idea.
This whole thing will be a big, old chucklefest in six months' time.
Trust me. I'ma doctor.
Email your concerns to Doctor Steve, but Google him at
your own risk.
|
 Extremely Bad Advice: You Say Doctor X, I Say Professor Who. Let's Call The Whole Thing On. FIGHT!
Dear Steve, Which is nerdier, Doctor Who or X-Men? This has
been an ongoing argument between myself, an X-Man fan, and my
friend, a Doctor Who fan.
 ONE Wow. This is kind of like asking what's sweeter, sugar or sugar
cubes? While this question may not seem like one meant for a
qualified advicist like myself, there's clearly a conflict here
between an X-Fan and a Whoey, and I'm all about solving conflicts.
The first thing we need to look at here is the perception of these
brands amongst the "norms" (normal people). IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: I am a bit
of an X-Pert but know very little about Doctor Who. That being said,
my understanding is that Doc Who is so woven into British culture
that it is only mildly nerdy to be caught talking about his medical
adventures (or whatever) in public. And here in North America,
everything British seems classy. You could be talking about some
base BBC sitcom like "Clarence Fartsworth in Oh, Fartsworth!" and
people will think you're Sir Oscar Shakespeare. So Doctor Who's
perceived class slightly negates it's nerdiness. The X-Men, however,
do not carry the same cachet.
 TWO Another big nerd problem lies in their origins. If X-Men had come
out of nowhere as the 2000 film by Bryan Singer, it would be as
nerdy as, say, The Matrix: low-level. But its beginnings and continual
life is as a comic book which has
spawned thousands of related individual issues, filled with tons of geeky minutiae. While these comics can contain, in my opinion, some
fine art worthy of Sir Oscar Shakespeare, they are still American
superhero comics and will always be looked upon as nerdy by the
general populace, here and overseas. Why? A couple of reasons. One, things that are "cartooned," especially featuring hyper-muscled/mega-boobed men and women in tight outfits, are considered low-art and juvenile. An adult who is passionate about cartoony power fantasies will be viewed through a nerd lens. Two, unlike a
live-action TV show like Doctor Who, illustrated comics are things that are seen as
"collectibles." If all the TV shows, no matter how adult, started
out as comic books that people kept in boxes in their basement,
those people would be nerds. If I showed you my full run of CSI:
Miami comic books, or House comic books, you would scream "nerd." Nerd, nerd, nerd.
 STEP THREE Now, both X-Men and Doctor Who contain ludicrous ideas that clearly
place them in nerd categories. I'm pretty sure that Doctor Who
travels through space and time in a phone booth, for example. I'm
also very sure that the X-Man Kitty Pryde (the one played by Ellen
Page in X-Men 3, "norm"), used her phasing powers to make a giant
space bullet pass through Earth and has been lost in the far reaches
of the universe as a result. From where I'm standing these two
franchises are probably tied for nerdy ideas. What defines a nerdy
idea? Any concept that my non-nerd parents would shake their heads
and laugh at, making me feel like someone unfit for society and/or
dating. Stop laughing at me, mother! I wish I could shoot optic
blasts at you! K-pew! K-pew!I hate you, mom! K-pew! K-pew!
 STEP FOUR Another way that Doctor Who wins at less-nerdiness is in emulation.
If someone wanted to, for some reason (wedding, prom, suicide pact),
dress as their favourite character, you can somewhat get away with
being one of the various Doctor Whos (except for the one that wore
celery. That's just dumb). But if you dressed as Wolverine you would
be thoroughly and rightfully laughed at, bub. So, it would appear
that the X-Men are the nerdiest in this battle. But there's
something else at work here. Since this question was posed by fans
of either franchise, trying to prove that their chosen champion is
less nerdy, they both lose. Because the very act of pitting
fictional characters against each other is the ultimate in
nerdiness. So the answer to this question is redundant as the
questioners are, by the very act of questioning, the nerdiest thing
in the equation. NERRRRRDS! K-pew! K-pew!
Email your concerns to The Uncanny X-Fan.This instalment of
Extremely Bad Advice is not an homage to 30 Rock.
|
 Extremely Bad Advice: Baby Got Crack
Dear Steve: My wife and I are thinking of having children. I recently read that children are bad for your career, bad for your sex life, bad for your health, bad for your bank balance and bad for your social life. What's your advice? STEP ONE Everything you have said is true. There are, however, exceptions to the areas that you're concerned about. CAREER: Babies can be a boon if you are about to be fired, as nobody can fire someone with a newborn. Which is also why my boss thinks my girlfriend is in her 17th month of pregnancy. SEX LIFE: You still have to make the baby, right? Cherish those sexual moments. HEALTH: While kids are germ factories, they're also perfect weight-training as they progressively get heavier as your child-carrying muscles develop. You will end up quite strong for a man of 40, even though you're technically 30 and have aged horribly since the baby arrived. BANK BALANCE: Three horrific words: Professional child model. SOCIAL LIFE: There will be a marked increase if you had no social life to start with. A brand new world of parents who have nothing in common except the "miracle" of childbirth awaits you. Hope you like talking about poop! I do and I'm not even a parent! STEP TWO Really, your main concern with having a child is the drastic life change, that somehow you'll miss your old life. Well, remember when you were 10? It's hazy, but good, right? Do you want to be 10 again? No, of course not, you're a totally different person now. Well, the difference between being 10 and an adult, sans kids, is similar to the difference between being a childless adult and a parent. Having a kid for a year is like being caught in a strange, sleepless, trippy time warp where reality shifts and bends and the next thing you know you're, again, a totally different person, as if the days without kids are 20 years behind you. You will be unable to imagine a life where you weren't a parent without flipping through old photo albums from last year. STEP THREE To get used to having a baby, do what they do in grade school and "adopt" a delicate egg. Make the experience more realistic by having an alarm clock in its crib that plays screaming, crying sounds every hour on the hour (I can provide an mp3 upon request of of one of my wailing jags). Also, when you or your partner need to go to the washroom, you have to do so into a diaper/onto the egg, and the significant other has to clean it up (resentment between new moms and dads is an important part of the baby experience). Also, be sure to burn a $100 bill once a week. If you do all this correctly, there is actually a 25% chance that--through this manic devotion to another species' ovum--you will end up loving the egg and not even need to have a baby. Most parents wistfully complain that "they grow up too fast." You will never have this problem with little Stevie Jr. (suggestion). STEP FOUR After a few years of having little Stevie Jr., you'll begin to notice that he's starting to stink. This is natural for an only child, as their self-absorption and blatant disregard for others means they don't bother to bathe or take care of themselves. So, maybe it's time to have another child! With your years of Stevie Jr. experience you can probably even manage a real baby now. Stevie Jr. Jr. will be an absolute delight to deal with (second children often are), and will appreciate his older sibling, especially once he turns 11 and needs to egg a particularly cranky neighbour's home. If you decide to, instead, have another egg, you may as well go all out and buy a full carton. I haven't seen it, but I assume that's the plot for Steve Martin's comedy romp, Cheaper by the Dozen: managing a large family of eggs. Now go and enjoy parenthood (the experience, not the other Steve Martin movie. Man, that guy makes a lot of boring movies).Send your questions of utmost importance to Steve MURRAY, not MARTIN. He will babysit any and all eggs and return them uncracked. 
|
 Extremely Bad Advice: Analyze Miss
I have a shrink. She told me as a successful woman I am too
used to getting my own way and that I must wait patiently for true
love. But I'm going crazy over here!Should I go against my shrink's advice and risk losing favour with
someone I have come to regard as a confidante, or should I go all
haywire on the scene?
 STEP ONE I think it's really nice you've come to regard your shrink as a
confidante since THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE PAYING HER TO BE. I mean,
really, she's not your friend in the traditional, non-monetary sense
of the word, so you shouldn't be concerned about losing favour with
her. Unless you pay all your friends? Is this the case? Do you pay
them in Buddybucks to be your buddy? Therapy shouldn't be about
making your therapist happy, or worrying about disappointing her. If
you disagree with the advice given, then you disagree, no biggie. I
disagree with my therapist all the time, like when she says that I'm
a megalomaniac who won't listen to anybody and who writes bad
cheques and blah blah blah. Whatever, you know? At the end of the
day I'm paying her, sometimes, to listen to my insanely disgusting
sexual fantasies and give me her ideas about my parents and my
Freudian slips. It doesn't mean I have to put her ideas to use, I
can be the judge as to whether they're good or dad.
 STEP TWO I think what you're telling me isn't entirely true. You say your
therapist wants you to wait patiently for true love, that someday
your prince will come. But I really don't think she expects you to
sit at home pining for a man who may or may not exist, like some
sort of love hermit. You can still go out and meet people, you just
don't have to go all, um, "haywire on the scene," as you describe
it. What does that even mean? Do you go to some sort of singles club
and lose your mind making out with dozens of people indiscriminately
while slipping your phone number into their pockets? Has your
therapist talked to you about your tendency to categorize things as
extremes? I'm worried about you.
 STEP THREE If your therapist is actually poo-pooing your extreme woo-wooing of
dudes, then you should rein in your haywire sensibilities and date
those closer to home, specifically your therapist's home. Hang out
around her office and try to meet the men she's treating! If you
succeed it'll make her job easier because she already knows the guy,
plus YOU know that he's working on his issues, unlike 95% of men out
there! If it works out with this man and you two become more
long-term, you can merge your sessions into a couples therapy
session and save money! 'Cause I know that Buddybucks don't grow on
trees.
 STEP FOUR You know what? Since you're paying this woman good Buddybucks to be
your confidante, why not take the next logical step and pay some guy
to date you? It's not as weird as it sounds. I mean, I pay people to
massage me, listen to my problems, cook for me, step on me with
six-inch stilettos, cut my hair, etc. I pay most of the people in my
life, really. Just think of this as a kind of role-reversal Pretty
Woman. You'd just initially be paying a guy to be your boyfriend,
but then he'd fall in love with you, I guess. If he doesn't by week
three, you just start over with another guy until you get a keeper
(a great guy who will love you for who you are, a woman who used to
pay guys to date her). Your therapist may disapprove, and even
refuse to see you anymore, but you can take solace in your weekly
sessions with me, right here, for only pennies a day when you
subscribe at 1-800-668-7678. National Post. A Better Therapist.
Email your concerns to Prettiest Woman. He is unlike 95% of
men out there.
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 Extremely Bad Advice: The Dark Sidler of the Room
Dear Steve: I work in an open-concept office with very little
privacy aside from the small offices each supervisor occupies. Each
time I am in my supervisor's office discussing work matters, a
nearby co-worker either eavesdrops on the conversation and makes
comments, or invites themself into the supervisor's office and joins
in on the conversation. I feel like I'm dealing with "The Sidler"
from Seinfeld! How do I confront this person without looking like a
jerk?
 STEP ONE Yeah, sure. This co-worker's unprofessional. Unprofessional like a
fox, that is. They've got so much dirt on everyone thanks to their
eavesdropping it's like they work in some sort of fancy dirt farm.
Frankly, I think you should look up to this person as a role model
and recognize that we live in an Internet age, where information is
power and rudeness is as common as the dirt that your company,
DirtCo Inc., produces. Personally, whenever I see anyone talking to
someone in power here at the Post, I'm out of my seat in a flash and
within earshot sooner than you can say, "Oh god, why is Steve
running at us? And why does a five-second jog make him so winded?
Does he need help? Steve?" If it turns out the conversation is
boring, I let out a quick dog-like yelp to get their attention and
then mumble something about how hard I work. Then I head back to my
desk and update my Work Diary.
 STEP TWO You can, of course, trick this person into not being around when
you want to meet with a co-worker. A simple email telling the pesky
snoop to meet you in a park down the street will get them some fresh
air and buy you an hour. A phone call from the "hospital" about a
"10-car pileup" and the uncertain health status of their "loved
one" will buy you up to two hours! These are not the right things to
do, obviously, since making a snoop an enemy will just bring their
subsequent snooping to a whole new level. If somebody here at the
Post did that to me I would a) cry, then b) record every move they
make, using the intel to systematically destroy their life. If
there's not enough dirt, I'll just c) turn my Work Diary into
fan-fiction about that person and publish it in an anonymous
newsletter, ruining them with my stunningly imaginative and ribald
prose. I'll probably be d) fired, but e) that's life.
 STEP THREE As you may know, I'ma big fan of American Sign Language. Suggest to
key staff members that you select few learn it as a team-building
exercise. This will buy you plenty of time for conversations that
the snooper can't intercept. By the time snoopy picks up ASL on
their own, you'll already be in your second month of Maritime Sign
Language lessons with the gang. Stay one step ahead and you'll
constantly be gibberish to their ears (eyes?). Of course, you could
always just communicate with people the old-fashioned way, by
electronic mailings, which would probably solve all your problems.
Verbal communication is overrated, or so everyone in the office
tells me.
 STEP FOUR I know that you're actually asking how to confront this person, not
how to trick them into leaving you alone. But why does it have to be
you? Chances are pretty high that you're not the only one getting
all peeved at this sidling staff member, and chances are beyond high
that your boss is super-peeved. Let them handle the situation!
That's why they're paid more than you!A lot more (sorry)! Tell your
boss that you're tired of this buttinski buttin' in and that, if
you're having a conversation with the boss, you would appreciate it
if they sent the sidler back to their desk, because you want to talk
about confidential things and, also, you suspect the sidler is
stealing from the company. It's perfectly okay for someone in a
position of authority to request privacy for meetings, whereas
coming from you it may feel jerky. And trust me, the last thing you
want to be seen as in the office is jerky. Why won't anyone talk to
me?
Email your concerns to DirtCo Inc. CEO.Try Skyping with
your boss. Seriously. Do it, and never look back.
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 Extremely Bad Advice: Jones The Podium
Dear Steve, I'm going through Olympics withdrawal symptoms. What can I do to recapture the magical power of the rings? STEP ONE Of course you're suffering from withdrawal! It was an intense, all-encompassing, unavoidable luge ride of spectacle and Nickelback! Plus, it cost a lot of money. If something costs that much money and DOESN'T create withdrawal symptoms when it's gone, then that, frankly, is a waste of cash. The best thing to do is to try to create one of those Pavlov type situations to stimulate the Olympic-erogenous areas of your brain. The most consistent element featured at the Games wasn't the cheering or the bulge-popping suits, but the constant floating logo in the corner of your screen, telling you that you are watching the Olympics on a television station (duh). So, incorporate that overused bit of branding into your life by fashioning a fake TV screen with the appropriate logos pasted over transparent plastic. Everything you see through that magical lens will take on an air of Olympic excitement. Also, everything you witness through that lens will become property of CTV, VANOC, mighty Zeus, etc. STEP TWO Keep the Olympic spirit alive by purchasing thousands of dollars in leftover Canadian merchandise! This event was the most important thing to ever happen in our country, so you should celebrate it publicly well after the fact! I'm a firm believer in wearing outfits that proudly display where you're from, that you'll almost always wear while in that place. Which is why I'm typing this while wearing my National Post bomber jacket, which I will change out of when I leave for the day and display my knitted Toronto Transit Commission sweater. And when I get home, I slip into my embroidered boxers, which proudly display "STEVE'S HOME (SWEET HOME)." Also, a great plus to buying merchandise from a retail store is that an Olympic athlete may end up assisting you (exemption: men's hockey)! STEP THREE If you're really jonesing for Olympic action and refuse to support these amateur athletes at non-Olympic events, then just become an Olympian yourself! Listen, I'm not saying this to denigrate our top-notch curling athletes, but if I were to choose a sport right now to pursue at the ripe old age of 34, that would be the sport for me. I've actually been harbouring a plan where I start a curling team for, say, Argentina. I get citizenship, add a naturalized Argentinian to the team and boom! Cool Runnings 2: Cool Slidings. If there are any Toronto-based citizens of non-curling countries out there, shoot me an email and I'll start booking a rink for practice time. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Start working towards 2014! STEP FOUR Cheering for your country is exhilarating and makes sense on a weird primal level where political borders awaken some sort of tribalism from deep within your mind. But why just do it once every four years in the dead of (mild) winter? There are plenty of sports teams to get behind all year round! But if cheering for professional sports makes you feel dirty, and the YMCA keeps kicking you out for cheering on the mixed adults pick-up volleyball games, you can venture outside of athleticism. Why not cheer on Parliament? You can get your buddies together and celebrate speeches by doing shots whenever the a Member of Parliament says "hardworking Canadians." You can create "Fantasy Cabinets," ranking MPs on how much time they get to rail against things they don't actually care about, how many pandering initiatives they get passed, how many votes they're actually present for, etc. Sports are great, showing us what the human body and spirit are capable of through awe-inspiring feats, but you need to broaden your focus and recognize the everyday heroes, like honourable-mention politicians or gold-medal advicists.Email your concerns to Skip Steve of Argentina.You can still hear Donald Sutherland's voice on orange juice commercials.
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 Extremely Bad Advice: It Takes A Village (To Kill You)
Dear Steve, I currently am teaching English in rural South Korea. Where I am there is a small (30) community of foreigners in a tri-city area. I've recently hit a road bump in a relationship. While my partner and I are struggling to overcome it, our previously shared friends have decided it was too large a problem and have stopped speaking to me entirely. How do I fight high school tactics from twentysomethings in a small environment without destroying my relationship or the region? STEP ONE Everyone that I've shown this question to has responded the same way: "Wow. What did he do? Is he a monster? Do you help monsters for a living? Are you a monster?" It's natural when people split up to have friends take sides and shun one of the people in the ex-relationship. But while they're still together? Man, that's extreme. I choose to believe that you did nothing wrong because you are a reader of this column and therefore an upstanding and intelligent SuperStud. Therefore, what's your ladyfriend up to? I mean, unless you did something outrageously public, like, slept with her best friend onstage during a community centre drama performance, she's been doing some big-time complaining about you to, well, everyone. It's the perfect pre-breakup strategy, getting everyone on her side, so they in turn give her the strength to get out of the relationship with the added benefit of keeping all the friends. It's brilliant. Watch your back, SuperStud! STEP TWO And just so you know, when you label this as "high school tactics from twentysomethings," you really have to be prepared for a lifetime of these kind of clique-ish splits and behaviours. Back when I was in high school and dealing with these kinds of dynamics, I remember being at the dinner table and listening to my mom complain about the ladies at work. It suddenly dawned on me that mom was the total gossipy cheerleader of her workplace and that the dynamics of high school never actually go away. It's like how Fonzie continued to be a greaser juvenile delinquent right to the bitter end of Happy Days when he was 39. We're all just Fonzies, drifting from friend groups at school to friend groups at work until we die in a bar fistfight after shattering a jukebox with our fist. Ayyyyy. STEP THREE There is very little chance of winning these people back, I'm sorry to say. The situation sounds far too intense, what with you giving a little bit too convincing of a performance in the town production of Is a Tank of the Name Which is a Desire. But I'm assuming that, since you're teaching English there, this isn't a permanent setting? If that's the case you have to make the best out of this situation until your tour of duty is over. According to the math, there's only one person there that likes you: your ladyfriend that you have shamed. So, you need to focus 100% of your energy on maintaining that relationship. She is now your everything. The one your world revolves around. The wind beneath your wings. The only person who will have sex with you. But once you leave the area you should probably break up as it doesn't sound too good, chum. STEP FOUR Really you should leave as soon as possible. The numbers just aren't in your favour there with this group of 30. But, if you came to Canada, based on your rate of return (people who don't shun you) you're looking at 1,224,720 potential people who would not potentially stab you in your hypothetical face if you were crossing the street. You can of course stay where you are and argue with your fellow ex-pats, but you can't argue with math. You were probably lured to this South Korean town with the promise of "broadening your experiences." But, like with anything in life, it's amazing how quickly broadening becomes narrowing. Re-broaden your experiences and come home. All is forgiven (except for the stage sex thing, creep).Email your questions/concerns to The Chief SuperStud. See also: The Awning is Not Tepid with Perching Domestic Feline. 
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 Extremely Bad Advice: Let Pooping Dogs Lie (In Heaven)
Dear Steve: About a year ago, my live-in lady and I adopted
an older dog. I thought we were being quite charitable -- especially
me, because I prefer cats. Unfortunately, this dog has taken to
doing all manner of businesses upon every non-furniture surface of
our apartment, and we don't know what to do about it. My humane
suggestion was to have it bronzed alive, dually euthanizing and
commemorating a beloved household pet. This did not go over well
with the lady. What do you suggest?
 STEP ONE I suppose the best thing you could do in this situation is bronze
your pet, therefore euthanizing and ... wait, did ... did you just
write that? I usually only skim the questions, but if so, that's
some great advice! You know, lately I've been feeling my years. My
eyesight is fading, my hair is greying, my impotence is potent. And
it occurs to me that I have no one to groom with the goal of taking
over this column when I need to be taken behind the advice barn and
shot. See, my greatest fear is having my hundreds of lovable, simply
illustrated characters fall into the wrong hands. What if the
Comment section decides to litter their editorials with my Ugly Baby
or my Dirty Hot Dog when I'm dead and gone? I need someone to
preserve the integrity of this column and all the stuff it stands
for or whatever. Is that someone you?
 STEP TWO Hmm, actually, upon reflection, your idea is pretty stupid. I
remember my friend Gary doing something similar when he thought he
had H1N1 and wanted to go out "on his own terms." It seemed
relatively simple, being coated in a bucket of hot bronze and
immortalized. But the pain was so much that Gary thrashed around for
a good minute before the bronze hardened enough to restrain him. His
final pose was nowhere near as regal as he wanted it to be.
Attempting this on your senior dog will possibly yield the same
results, that of a semi-beloved pet frozen in a howling pose of
pain. Maybe not the best idea.
 STEP THREE The dog's already old, it's probably just a matter of days before
it will legitimately need to be put down. I mean, if I found myself
in the position where I was constantly pooing all over the house
(instead of my usual routine of pooing in the yard for my master to
pick up), I'd want to take that trip behind the aforementioned
advice barn to meet the Ultimate Advicist (Gary, in Heaven). Create
a pretence for arranging a vet house call for Ol' Poopers. Then,
have a friend of yours pretend to be a vet, swing by the house,
"diagnose," and put down your long-suffering pooch. Actually, your
friend could rake in a lot of money with a business like that, where
his only treatment for annoying or lousy pets is death. Something to
think about.
 STEP FOUR It's been a while since I've prescribed this, but you should really
have a baby. Once there's a baby on the scene, pleasantly pooping in
a diaper and screaming at four in the morning, all patience will be
lost with poop-pooch. Right now it's barely tolerable, but when
you're handling the poop of multiple creatures, one's going to have
to go. And in 95% of the cases, it's the geriatric dog that's
poop-out-of-luck. You can always honour the memory of your beloved
pet by naming the baby after it. My son can vouch for my advice.
Hmm, I hadn't even considered leaving my column to Captain Chompers
the Second.
Email your concerns to Gary's Bronzer. What about Captain
Chompers the First?
|
 Extremely Bad Advice: Season Two For The Biggest Loser?
Dear Steve, I met a guy towards the end of last year and we
totally hit it off. He had, and still has, nothing going for him
(recently divorced, kids that he never sees from a previous
relationship, lives in someone else's basement, works as a waiter
with no future prospects, etc.) but this never got in the way of us
having a great time. However, we hit a few bumps in the road early
on and I decided to cut him loose and now, well, I'm completely
regretting the decision! Because things ended badly, I really can't
muster up the courage to call him, but I know the club he hangs out
in every weekend. Should I deck myself out in some super-hot outfit
and try to win back my d-bag?
 STEP ONE A situation like this reminds me of my days as a fictional police
detective. I'd have a mountain of clues, all seemingly disparate,
and I would methodically pin them to my clue board, muttering to
myself about how I must have overlooked something, dammit. My
partner, only 23 years from retirement, would dust the doughnut
powder from his gut and tell me to go home to my wife, who patiently
waited for my stoic lovemaking, but I just couldn't rest until I
determined whether or not this dude was worth dating or not.
"Basement dweller," "absent father," "aging waiter," "chronic
club-goer." I was too close to the case, but as I stepped back from
the clue board, I saw the patterns emerging, spelling out what was
there all along: "NO."
 STEP TWO Piecing the story together from your question, I can deduce that
this gentleman has more than one child, but not with the woman he
just divorced. He doesn't support them at all, or he wouldn't even
dream of blowing his tip money at a club, which he apparently
attends frequently. He's gotta be, at a minimum, in his late
thirties. Living in a basement. You probably think this is just a
bump and that he can peel his carefree, filthy party shirt off and
put on a dress shirt and tie at some point, with your help, of
course. But guess what? If he's like this at this stage, with all of
his life mistakes, then it isn't just a party shirt he's flaunting,
it's a party tattoo. And no amount of time in the world will remove
that tattoo. Except for death and decomposition, of course, the
great tattoo eraser.
 STEP THREE He's fun though, right? Of course he is! He needs to be fun in
order to survive since he has nothing else to offer. He's a rapidly
aging Peter Pan, but to be a magical boy-man he needs people like
you to hold him aloft. It's tempting to do so in those moments when
you're lonely, or are tired from being an actual adult, but when you
fly with Peter Pan you fly with the Lost Boys. And those are
vampires, led by Kiefer Sutherland, which will suck your life force
until you are a partied-out husk of a woman with no future. Can you
handle me using two sets of similar pop culture references in an
explanation of this situation? Then you are an adult with a sharp,
savvy mind and can do better than this guy.
 STEP FOUR So why waste your "super-hot outfit" on this guy? If you have such
a potent, man-snaring weapon, bring it to a place where he isn't
hanging out and find someone better than him. I mean, I'm no
mathematician, I'm barely a columnist, but I think the odds are in
your favour. Clearly there must exist many, many men that are better
than this dude, but it's so easy to go with what you know, isn't it?
Fight that instinct and go forth, young lady! Find a man who has a
future! A man who doesn't desert his children or live in a basement!
Shoot for the starrrrrs!Email your questions to Steve "Out Of The Basement" Murray. He'll help you fight all your instincts.
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 Extremely Bad Advice: I Would Stalk 500 Miles
Dear Steve: An opportunity for a relationship swirled down
the drain, but not after we booked a trip together. We bought
tickets separately to the same country with intent to backpack
together, but now that we're not travelling together, I'm unsure of
going. If I change my flight, I'm losing a lot more money than I'm
comfortable with. If I don't go, I lose out on what might be a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a country or maybe even
reconcile. If I do go, I'm afraid I'll feel like a terrible
international stalker or will be trudging around all day thinking
about her.
 STEP ONE Look, I have very few rules that I live my life by. Be kind to
others who are hot. Don't eat an entire block of cheese at once
unless you have to. Always put your money where your mouth is and
keep your mouth away from the slots. But most importantly, always,
ALWAYS take an opportunity to live your life like a romantic comedy.
I'm not going to lie to you, the chances are pretty high that your
trip will be disastrous. But travelling great distances to
inadvertently become a stalker is comedy gold, so you need to do
this. If you don't, you're actually being quite selfish. How many
people will you entertain for years to come with this ludicrous
story? You would deprive them of these laughs? MONSTER.
 STEP TWO You seem to be holding out for a possible reconciliation, but I'm
here to tell you that's not going to happen. This trip will hold no
romance for you, dear friend. The good news, however, is that there
may still be romance for your lady friend! Since she's not hung up
on anyone (you), she can experience those marvellous
no-strings-attached flings that magically happen when one is on
vacation (with not-you)! It's not all bad news for you though, pal!
You'll get to see this liason unfold right before your eyes, finally
shattering your heart to the necessary point for getting over her!
That shattered glass is half-full!
 STEP THREE If you're worried about being creepy, here's what you need to do.
Find a woman who is super into you and invite her on the trip as
well. That way you'll have a stalker, offsetting your creepy factor.
In fact, you can complain to the object of your affection about
these unwanted advances, creating a closeness between you! She'll
see that you are, in fact, desirable and not nearly as creepy as
whatserface, the woman crying behind that bush over there! Let
stalking work FOR you, not against you!
 STEP FOUR Listen, if you still think you should go at separate times, it
really shouldn't fall to you to change your ticket. This lady
clearly broke your heart a bit and knows it. If she actually cared
about you she'd move HER flight date. As it is, she probably really
likes that you still have feelings for her and will appreciate your
puppy dog ways on this trip even if she is going to end up sleeping
with Raul. That's cold. So, if you're not up for a gut-wrenching,
hilarious, real-life romantic comedy, stop talking to her and change
your ticket. Perhaps you can then focus on finding your own Raul and
make it more of a traditional romance movie. Until Raul plants drugs
on you and it becomes a rollicking courtroom drama. Those are pretty
cool, too.
Email your concerns to Steve "Failure To Launch" Murray. He actually thinks
his life is a movie.
|
 Extremely Bad Advice: A Man After My Own Smarts
Dear Steve,This town you call "Single Guy Falls?" Is there a subdivision
for smart guys who actually want to date smart girls? Because there
seems to be a dearth of those these days, and even when guys are
smart, I find that they don't want a smart partner. I've been told
that they have me or other friends for intelligent conversations.
They don't need them in relationships.
 STEP ONE What? Is this serious? Are you playing with me here? I have never,
ever encountered such a scenario. However, I can envision a man
telling a woman that she's too smart to date as a way out of dating
her. It's like telling someone they're too beautiful to date, that
they'd live in fear of you leaving them for someone more equally
attractive. This is truly the ultimate extension of "it's not you,
it's me" where it becomes "it's not you (because you're truly a
marvellous, superior human being), it's me." Maybe it's your
intelligence-fuelled personality. Like, you're the kind of "smart"
that always has to prove that they're smart, which can get annoying
and grow tiring. Every person that I've met who has boldly stated
that they're chronically single because they intimidate the opposite
sex with their intelligence or looks actually just annoys the hell
out of them. Be careful not to be this person.
 STEP TWO Using simple logic that even I can understand, an intelligent man
who does not want to date an intelligent woman has just proven
themselves to be not intelligent. It's a paradox, or a tear in the
time-space continuum, or a plot point from Lost, or something. There
was an article in The New York Times a while ago about a man who was
in love with a pillow emblazoned with an anime character. Truly in
love. With a pillow. Which meant his girlfriend is literally as dumb
as a pillow. Care to guess how smart this guy is? Hint: somewhere
above a pillow. So these guys you're talking about aren't actually
smart. They're not pillow-smart, I'm sure, so they can create the
illusion of intelligence, but they're definitely not intelligent.
 STEP THREE I've only ever dated one woman whose intelligence was suspect, but,
in my defence, she was pretty hot. Other than her, however, I've
always dated smart women, including my current lady-love who is
super-smart AND super-hot and also proofreads this page (hi,
honey!). She can succinctly defend socialist economic practices,
calculate appropriate tips on restaurant bills in seconds and
concoct perfect joke names for our cat. Who wouldn't want that? This
notion that someone wouldn't crave some intelligent conversation in
their relationship is ludicrous. 'Cause I don't care how smart the
couple is, no relationship is all lofty topics, 24-7. I guarantee
that Adrienne Clarkson has gone on about bunions to John Ralston
Saul at some point, and Iggy has totally made a fart joke to
Zsuzsanna while they have a tickle fight in bed.
 STEP FOUR You want to meet smart, single men? Open a bookstore! Bookstores
are perfect because you can actually judge a book (person) by their
cover (the book they pick out). If some dude picks up a self-help
book on controlling rage, just ring him through and don't make eye
contact. If he's huffily buying a book about the evils of feminist
theory, overcharge him and let him go. However, if he's purchasing a
Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel, strike up a conversation. If he's
buying Garfield: Survival of the Fattest: His 40th Book , marry him.
See what I mean? Actually, you could probably accomplish the same
goals by frequenting bookstores more often. I just like the idea of
people opening more bookstores. Especially smart women opening
bookstores. Mrow.
Email your concerns to The Pillow Shaped Like A Man.hes nvr 2 busy 2
respond.
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